“Red Flags” that Warn Us of Potential Manipulation
Adapted from book, Removing Your : No More Hiding from Your Truth. Download eBook for FREE. (See Chapter 10 for more details and examples.)
Those who manipulate are good at reading people. They instantly spot those of us who are gullible, as if we are wearing a flashing neon sign around our necks saying, “Take me, I’m yours. Have your way with me.”
But what is it about us that makes us so blind to the signs that are so obvious to manipulators? And what do we need to be aware of within ourselves that can make us immune from being magnets for manipulation, so we can relate to the world in much healthier ways?
Within us we all have mental, emotional, physical, and intuitive “red flags” alerts that act as our early warning devices to tell us of potential manipulation. Many times, though, we have been conditioned to override these “red flags” in an effort to get along, be perceived as nice, or place other people’s needs and desires above our own. Here are a few of the common “red flags” that, when we heed them, can keep us from placing ourselves in potentially dangerous or manipulative situations:
Red Flag 1: When we feel like saying or doing one thing, but actually say or do something else instead. Any time we have felt something and reacted the opposite of our feelings, we have set ourselves up for manipulation. Here are examples of how we sabotage ourselves:
o We override our intuition with “should” or “ought to” messages
o We want to avoid conflict
o We don’t want to show any weakness, so we project strength instead
When we stop overriding what we really want to say, we put a significant dent in others’ ability to manipulate us. Even if it is difficult at first to stay true to our feelings, the more we practice, the easier it gets. Changing the way we respond, especially if it is done with compassion and respect, might even lead to developing more honest and trusting relationships, especially with those we care about the most.
Red Flag 2: If we feel anxious, claustrophobic, itchy, trapped, creepy, or restless. Our body may be warning us that we need to immediately get away from a person or a situation. In the moment we get a physical sensation that something is really off or unsafe, even though we may not know why we feel it. But if we heed these important internal signals, without waiting for an answer to why we feel that way, we can avoid potential danger. We may never know if something really would have happened. But the mystery is better than later finding out that our instincts were right all along.
Red Flag 3: If we feel numb, immobilized, tongue-tied, or confused. Our mind could be saying, we need to take time away to figure out what is going on. Some of the things we may need to sort out on our own or discuss with someone we trust are:
o We are scared and need to find a safe way to deal with a person or a situation.
o We feel rushed into a decision and need time to think about it away from others.
o We need to sort out our feelings and get to our own truth about what is going on.
Giving ourselves time to figure out what we want to do is an act of self-love. By taking time to clear away what is at the root of our confusion or immobilization we give ourselves time to mentally align with our inner knowing. This alignment builds self-confidence and leads to better decision making and clearer communication with others.
Red Flag 4: If we express one emotion, but really feel another emotion. Due to our own past, we may have learned it was acceptable to express certain emotions and we had to suppress others. Often it is the “bottled up” emotions that are the ones we most need to express. Here are a couple of examples:
o We want to express anger, but instead we cry.
o We feel sad, but instead we express anger.
Awareness that we are feeling one emotion and expressing another is a very important step in evolving beyond our past conditioning. By learning how to express our full range of emotions in healthy ways, we give ourselves a full spectrum of responses to situations. Having more choices means we can take charge of our life, and we are no longer at the mercy of our emotions.
Red Flag 5: If we operate on automatic pilot without awareness of what we are feeling, thinking, or doing. When we operate in a dreamlike state or a haze, we are more likely to be manipulated by others who pick up on our “unawareness.” By becoming aware of times when we know we cannot realistically make decisions or engage our brains (like when we are really tired or right after work when we haven’t yet switched gears), we can remind ourselves and tell others that we are not open for discussing things at that specific time. Simply putting this thought in the back of our mind often alerts us to engage just enough brain cells to prevent ourselves from being manipulated in similar circumstances.
To turn our gullibility into wisdom requires a good hard look at ourselves and at others. It also requires reconnecting our intuition and reasoning, so we have a straight-line connection to our inner truth. Once we have this connection firmly reestablished, we can no longer be manipulated by others who offer to step in and make this connection for us.